I have been carrying too many shadows from my past that it becomes quite difficult to carry them and move forward. Help was always around the corner they said, but who wants to carry a dead man's burden.
Time and again walking around my house, pictures and memories are some times are blurry. I have reached a point where I am even afraid to walk alone, where I am afraid of people and their perceptions, which I cannot maintain, promises which I cannot keep which will eventually swallow the life that I think I have very little left.
So what do I do? Do I give up...hmmm...?
The faint "thuds" of my heartbeat which has become louder, each passing day tells me that something is near the doors of my life. What is it, I cannot fathom; but I am terribly afraid. I have never been the one to who liked surprises; somehow they always have a bad omen and odour about them that I have grown to hate. I have fine-tuned myself into an abandon facade of hate. Nothing really touches me anymore. Words simply bounce of my ears, all I hear are my own silent confessions which I pray to myself before I go to bed, while I am at work, while I am talking to friends, while I am walking. It’s everywhere, the shadowy whispers of my soul trying to tell me that something that I cannot hear.
I sometimes wonder if this is what we call “living in fear".
Time and again walking around my house, pictures and memories are some times are blurry. I have reached a point where I am even afraid to walk alone, where I am afraid of people and their perceptions, which I cannot maintain, promises which I cannot keep which will eventually swallow the life that I think I have very little left.
So what do I do? Do I give up...hmmm...?
The faint "thuds" of my heartbeat which has become louder, each passing day tells me that something is near the doors of my life. What is it, I cannot fathom; but I am terribly afraid. I have never been the one to who liked surprises; somehow they always have a bad omen and odour about them that I have grown to hate. I have fine-tuned myself into an abandon facade of hate. Nothing really touches me anymore. Words simply bounce of my ears, all I hear are my own silent confessions which I pray to myself before I go to bed, while I am at work, while I am talking to friends, while I am walking. It’s everywhere, the shadowy whispers of my soul trying to tell me that something that I cannot hear.
I sometimes wonder if this is what we call “living in fear".
Dolphin... I want to tell you something that was told to me when i gave up on my life.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
You can either watch yourself going down or do something about it. Yes it is true that sometimes pain is sweet. I remember someone saying, that I love you. And if it's pain which binds me to you, then let it be pain.
But again, there comes a time when pain becomes routine and we start looking for something else? what then?
I liked what you wrote. But somehow i have a feeling that you are just trying to kid yourself. Take a step out of yourself and peruse your being. what is it that needs to be mended. Is it your heart? or just your head?
forgive me if i have offended you in any manner.
and i thought you had a photo blog too....=)
?
maddy
hmm, and i jus saw the link...
--maddy